Brightspots#18

You know, there are some things that you just never think of..........like, Mt. Rushmore from the Canadian Side . . .

Brightspots#17

Don't catch that dreaded ....

Brightspots#16

At my school reunion I was looking at a lone woman sitting at a nearby table. My wife asks, "Do you know her?" "Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since." "My God!" says my wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?" So you see, there really are 2 ways to look at everything.....

Brightspots#15

A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard. "Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," he replied. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender.. "Is there anything I can do?" "Yes. I need you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say. "Tell him," she whispered "There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."

Brightspots#11

 

Things could be worse....

 

After the eighty-three year old lady finished her annual physical examination, the doctor said,

"You are in fine shape for your age, Mrs. Mallory, but tell me, do you still have intercourse?"

"Just a minute, I'll have to ask my husband," she said..

She stepped out into the crowded reception room and yelled out loud:

"Henry, do we still have intercourse?" And there was a hush.

You could hear a pin drop.

Henry answered impatiently, "If I told you once, Irma, I told you a hundred times...What we have is...

Blue Cross!"

 

Brightspots #9

 

Man driving down road,

Woman driving up same road.

They pass each other.

The woman yells out the window, PIG!

Man yells out window, WITCH!

Man rounds next curve………

Man crashes into a HUGE PIG in middle of road and dies.

Moral of the Story:  If men would just listen!

Do you know where these two are going?

                                 Walmart of course!

Brightspots #8

 

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.
"They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans," he replies.
"Put them back, we can't afford them," says the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.
"It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.
Her husband retorts, "So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price."
On the PA system: 'Cleanup on aisle 25, we have a husband down.'

 

 

 

  

The most wasted day is that in which we have not laughed. (Chamfort)

Laughter is inner jogging. (Norman Cousins)

Laughter can relieve tension, soothe the pain of disappointment, and strengthen the spirit for the formidable tasks that always lie ahead. (Dwight D. Eisenhower)

 

 

Brightspots #7

  

As long as you're going to be thinking anyway, THINK BIG.
- Donald Trump

Brightspots #6

 

The old addage.."be careful what you wish for ....."

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders. The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich, 'What's yours?' 'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order ' That will be $9.40 please,' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment. The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke.' The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same.'

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress. 'No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man. 'Same,' says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.' Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?”

'Well,' says the man, 'several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.' 'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man.

The waitress asks, 'What's with the ostrich?' The man sighs, pauses and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say.'

Brightspots #5

 

 

Two Large Plastic Garbage Bags

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags rips, and every once in awhile a $20 bill falls out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her, and says, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of your bag."

"Oh, really? Darn!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back, and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me."

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no", said the little old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to the Lambeau Field parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through the fence into my flower garden. So, I stand behind the fence with my hedge clippers. Each time some guy sticks his thing through the fence, I say, '$20 or off it comes.' "

"Well, that seems only fair," laughs the cop. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well, you know, not everybody pays."

 

                                     

                                                 

 

Brightspots #4

 

A young couple moves into a new neighborhood.

The next morning while they are eating breakfast,
The young woman sees her neighbor hanging the wash outside.
"That laundry is not very clean", she said.
"She doesn't know how to wash correctly.
Perhaps she needs better laundry soap."

Her husband looked on, but remained silent.

Every time her neighbor would hang her wash to dry,
The young woman would make the same comments.

About one month later, the woman was surprised to see a
Nice clean wash on the line and said to her husband:

"Look, she has learned how to wash correctly.
I wonder who taught her this."

The husband said, "I got up early this morning and
Cleaned our windows."

 

Romans 14:4 Who are you to judge someone else’s servant? To his own master he stands or falls. And he will stand, for the Lord is able to make him stand alone.

 

Brightspots #3

 

A woman goes to the doctor for her yearly physical.

The nurse starts with certain basic items.
How much do you weigh?' she asks.
'115,' she says.
The nurse puts her on the scale.
It turns out her weight is 140
The nurse asks, 'Your height?'
'5 foot 8,' she says.
The nurse checks and sees that she only measures 5' 5'.
She then takes her blood pressure and tells the woman it is very high.
'Of course it's high!' she screams, 'When I came in here I was tall and slender! Now I'm short and fat!

And just in time for Halloween.....

Brightspots 2

 

 

A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery Store. As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked, "Son, can you tell me where the Post Office is?"

The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street a couple blocks and turn to your right."

The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town. I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get to Heaven."

The little boy replied with a chuckle. "Awww, come on...You don't even know the way to the Post Office."

 

 

John 14:6. New International Version ... Jesus answered, “I am the way and the truth and the life. ... No one comes to the Father except through me. 

 

 

 

  

 

Something new

 I have posted two posts of Uplifting Wed via Pinterest a month for some time now and feel the need to change it up a bit. Several years ago I created a little packet of jokes, funny pictures, beautiful pictures, stories, special sayings and scriptures for friend who was ill because laughter and God make all the difference. I titled it "Brightspots" and thought it would be fun to share them with you all so I will post one a month in place of the usual Uplifting Wed. post. 

 

 

 

                             A cheerful heart does good like medicine……. Prov 17:22 (TLB)